🔭 Alex is Learning (To Think)

Current family project open questions

Jul 18, 202514 min read

1. Open questions

  1. Is going to family therapy a good idea?
    • It could be the most efficient route - an expert helping guide things, etc
  2. How could I convince my mum and sister to go to family therapy?
    1. How could I convince my mum
    2. How could I convince my sister
    • (Of course, “convince” is not the right framing here, but you know)
  3. How can I personally use the theory, day-to-day
    • Re: triangulation, I haven’t got to a point in the book where they’re like, “ok, here’s what you should do”
      • Idk if you’re supposed to e.g. refuse to engage in gossip, in triangles. Given the systemic nature, if you don’t allow someone to offload their anxiety onto you by ranting, will they just use someone else, or perhaps internalise the anxiety?
    • Re: differentiation of self - what does this look like?
      • Should I for example communicate ground rules, like “I won’t engage in any more gossip, I won’t be complicit in any triangulation”
    • Re: dominant-adaptive relationships
      • Do I need to stop being adaptive? That is, stop making accommodations, to reduce the anxiety of the other person? (Basically, the same thing as the triangulation question - do I stop masking how painful it is to have my mum rant at me about my sister? Do I tell her I won’t be complicit any more?)
  4. Is taking the adaptive mask off and sharing my pain a good idea?
    1. The problem with both the “maskers” (me and my aunty), is that, in being very good hiding our pain, we don’t allow my mum to realise how toxic we find her, and how damaging it feels to spend time with her. To stop doing this, after all these years, feels very difficult, because it feels akin to saying “we’ve been pretending to be fine for 10+ years but actually we hate this”, which would be a horrifying thing for my mum to hear
  5. Should I e.g. remain fairly cagey until a family therapist can help guide things? Or should I try to explain things myself?

2. Grok the whole theory first?

  • It does feel like it makes sense to get an overview of the whole theory
  • Like, if there are gaps in my understanding of the theory, I might miss useful concepts/perspectives

3.What Gemini recommends

How can I use Bowen family systems theory to help my family?

Practical Steps to Apply Bowen Theory in Your Family

Applying Bowen theory is a journey of self-discovery and conscious effort. Here are some practical steps you can take:

1. Become a Family Historian: Create a Genogram

A genogram is a visual map of your family’s history, typically spanning at least three generations. It’s more than just a family tree; it includes information about relationships, major life events, and emotional patterns.

How to create a basic genogram:

  • Gather Information: Start with what you know. Talk to parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Ask about births, deaths, marriages, divorces, significant life events, and the nature of relationships between family members (e.g., close, conflicted, distant).
  • Use Standard Symbols: There are standard symbols for genograms (squares for males, circles for females, lines to denote relationships). You can find guides and templates online.
  • Map Emotional Relationships: Use different types of lines to represent the emotional quality of relationships. For example, a double solid line for a very close relationship, a zigzag line for a conflictual one, and a broken line for a distant one.
  • Identify Patterns: As you map out your family, look for recurring themes. Are there patterns of conflict between fathers and sons? Do certain health issues appear in every generation? Is there a history of emotional cutoff?

Creating a genogram can help you see your family as a system and understand how you fit into the larger picture.

  • Maybe this would be useful, but it feels fairly low leverage to me. I think, if you’d never considered how your family issues don’t just start with your parents, this’d be useful, to have the empathy-expanding “omg, it’s not just me and my parents, their parents were also difficult!” thing. But I’ve already ruminated a lot on how the entirely family is kinda fucked up. But still, maybe it’d give additional clarity to use the recommended systems

2. Work on Increasing Your Own Differentiation of Self

The most powerful way to create positive change in your family is to work on your own level of differentiation. This is not about changing others, but about changing yourself.

Exercises to improve differentiation:

  • Practice “I” Statements: Instead of blaming or accusing others (e.g., “You always make me angry”), express your own feelings and thoughts. For example, “I feel hurt when…” or “I think we should…“. This promotes taking responsibility for your own emotions.

  • Develop Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your emotional and physical responses in family interactions. When do you feel most anxious or reactive? What triggers these feelings? Journaling can be a helpful tool for tracking your responses and identifying patterns.

  • Define Your Values: Take time to reflect on what is truly important to you, separate from your family’s expectations. Make a list of your core values and try to make decisions that align with them.

  • Practice Self-Soothing: When you feel overwhelmed by family anxiety, develop healthy coping mechanisms. This could include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, going for a walk, or talking to a trusted friend.

  • This feels high leverage

3. Observe and De-triangle Yourself

Start to observe the triangles in your family. Who gets pulled in when there is tension between two other members? Are you frequently in the middle of conflicts?

How to de-triangle:

  • Refuse to Take Sides: When a family member tries to pull you into a conflict with another, remain neutral. You can listen empathetically without agreeing or disagreeing.

  • Encourage Direct Communication: Suggest that the two individuals involved talk directly to each other. For example, you could say, “It sounds like you have a lot to say to [the other person]. Have you talked to them about this?”

  • Manage Your Own Anxiety: The pull to triangle is often driven by a desire to reduce one’s own anxiety. By managing your own emotional responses, you are less likely to get caught up in the drama of others.

  • *This feels high-leverage

4. Improve Family Communication

Clear and direct communication is essential for a healthy family system.

Communication exercises:

  • Active Listening: When a family member is speaking, give them your full attention. Paraphrase what they have said to ensure you understand correctly before responding.

  • Set Aside a “Check-in” Time: Dedicate a specific time each week for family members to share their thoughts and feelings without interruption. This can help to prevent issues from festering.

  • Focus on the Process, Not Just the Content: During disagreements, try to observe the emotional process. Are voices being raised? Is someone withdrawing? Acknowledging the process can help to de-escalate the conflict (e.g., “I notice we’re both getting upset. Maybe we should take a break and come back to this later.”).

  • *This feels difficult, without buy-in

The Benefits of Using Bowen Theory

By applying these principles, you can expect to see significant positive changes in your family dynamics. These may include:

  • Reduced conflict and anxiety.
  • Improved communication and understanding.
  • Stronger, more authentic relationships.
  • Increased personal responsibility and self-awareness among family members.
  • The breaking of unhealthy generational patterns.

It’s important to remember that changing long-standing family patterns takes time and patience. There may be resistance from other family members who are comfortable with the old ways of interacting. However, by focusing on your own growth and differentiation, you can become a catalyst for positive change within your entire family system. If you find these concepts challenging to implement on your own, seeking guidance from a therapist trained in Bowen Family Systems Theory can be incredibly beneficial.

4. My summary of next steps

  • Taking the stuff from Gemini that feels most tractable

Exercises to improve differentiation:

  • Practice “I” Statements: Instead of blaming or accusing others (e.g., “You always make me angry”), express your own feelings and thoughts. For example, “I feel hurt when…” or “I think we should…“. This promotes taking responsibility for your own emotions.
  • Develop Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your emotional and physical responses in family interactions. When do you feel most anxious or reactive? What triggers these feelings? Journaling can be a helpful tool for tracking your responses and identifying patterns.
  • Define Your Values: Take time to reflect on what is truly important to you, separate from your family’s expectations. Make a list of your core values and try to make decisions that align with them.
  • Practice Self-Soothing: When you feel overwhelmed by family anxiety, develop healthy coping mechanisms. This could include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, going for a walk, or talking to a trusted friend.

How to de-triangle:

  • Refuse to Take Sides: When a family member tries to pull you into a conflict with another, remain neutral. You can listen empathetically without agreeing or disagreeing.
  • Encourage Direct Communication: Suggest that the two individuals involved talk directly to each other. For example, you could say, “It sounds like you have a lot to say to [the other person]. Have you talked to them about this?”
  • Manage Your Own Anxiety: The pull to triangle is often driven by a desire to reduce one’s own anxiety. By managing your own emotional responses, you are less likely to get caught up in the drama of others.

5. Open questions, still

  1. Is going to family therapy a good idea?
    • It could be the most efficient route - an expert helping guide things, etc
  2. How could I convince my mum and sister to go to family therapy?
    1. How could I convince my mum
    2. How could I convince my sister
    • (Of course, “convince” is not the right framing here, but you know)
  3. How can I personally use the theory, day-to-day
    • Re: triangulation, I haven’t got to a point in the book where they’re like, “ok, here’s what you should do”
      • Idk if you’re supposed to e.g. refuse to engage in gossip, in triangles. Given the systemic nature, if you don’t allow someone to offload their anxiety onto you by ranting, will they just use someone else, or perhaps internalise the anxiety?
    • Re: differentiation of self - what does this look like?
      • Should I for example communicate ground rules, like “I won’t engage in any more gossip, I won’t be complicit in any triangulation”
    • Re: dominant-adaptive relationships
      • Do I need to stop being adaptive? That is, stop making accommodations, to reduce the anxiety of the other person? (Basically, the same thing as the triangulation question - do I stop masking how painful it is to have my mum rant at me about my sister? Do I tell her I won’t be complicit any more?)
  4. Is taking the adaptive mask off and sharing my pain a good idea?
    1. The problem with both the “maskers” (me and my aunty), is that, in being very good hiding our pain, we don’t allow my mum to realise how toxic we find her, and how damaging it feels to spend time with her. To stop doing this, after all these years, feels very difficult, because it feels akin to saying “we’ve been pretending to be fine for 10+ years but actually we hate this”, which would be a horrifying thing for my mum to hear
  5. Should I e.g. remain fairly cagey until a family therapist can help guide things? Or should I try to explain things myself?

Going to family therapy

I assume that going to family therapy would be recommended? I think it'd be hard to get my mum & sister to agree to go, but it'd be great to have an expert guide things

You are absolutely right to think that. While applying the principles yourself is incredibly powerful, having an expert to guide things is the gold standard, especially when emotions run high. A family therapist acts as a neutral facilitator who can create a safe environment, manage conflict, and help everyone see the patterns you’ve been learning about.

However, you’ve hit on one of the most common challenges: getting everyone on board. It’s very normal for some family members to be resistant. Here’s a way to think about it and approach the situation, keeping Bowen’s principles in mind.

How to Approach Your Mum and Sister

The way you invite them can make a huge difference. Avoid framing it as “We have problems and need to be fixed.” Instead, present it as a positive, proactive step for the whole family’s well-being.

  1. Use “I” Statements: This is classic differentiation in action. Talk about your own feelings and hopes, rather than criticising or blaming them.
    • Instead of: “You two always argue, and we need therapy to sort it out.”
    • Try: “I’ve been thinking a lot about our family, and I feel sad that we seem to get stressed and upset with each other so often. I would love for us to find better ways to communicate, and I’ve heard that family therapy can help with that.”
  2. Frame it as Skill-Building: Position therapy as a way to learn valuable tools together.
    • You could say: “I see it like coaching. We could all learn some skills to make our home life calmer and more enjoyable. It’s not about finding fault, it’s about improving our team.”
  3. Address their Likely Fears: They might fear being blamed or ganged up on. Reassure them this isn’t the case.
    • You could say: “The therapist’s job is to be impartial and help everyone, not to take sides. This is for all of us, and my hope is that it makes things better for you, too.”
  4. Suggest a Low-Commitment Trial: The idea of ongoing therapy can be daunting. Propose a single exploratory session.
    • You could say: “Would you be willing to just try one session with me? If you hate it, we don’t have to go back. I would just really value having you there to see what it’s like.”

What if They Still Say No? The Power of Working on Yourself

This is where Bowen’s theory is incredibly empowering. Even if they refuse to go, you should still consider going to therapy by yourself.

This might sound counter-intuitive, but it is a core tenet of the Bowenian model. The most effective way to change a family system is for one motivated individual to work on their own differentiation.

When you go to therapy alone, you will learn to:

  • Manage your own anxiety and emotional reactivity within the family.

  • Stop participating in unhealthy “triangles.”

  • Communicate more clearly and calmly, without getting drawn into old, repetitive arguments.

When you change your own behaviour, the system has to change around you. If you stop playing your usual part in the family “dance,” your mum and sister will have to adjust their steps. You becoming a calmer, less reactive, and more self-defined presence can fundamentally shift the entire family dynamic for the better.

6. I think this is the highest leverage thing

  • Rather than me trying to read this whole book and then gradually using it, it’d be so much faster and more effective to actually go to family therapy
  • So, working on how to bring this up, how to make the case, etc, feels like the most important thing
  • The most MVP, 80/20 version could be “write a letter, and read it out loud”, using things like “I” statements, NVC, etc. And I can iterate on it with Gemini, and get feedback from friends (e.g. Johnson)

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