Waiting…

I did a 2-day in-person work trial (for a job I’d really like to get) 23 days ago. I was meant to hear if I got the job on Wednesday, it’s now Friday and I haven’t heard anything. I know that at this point it’s between me and one other person.

The problem has been that, as this is a job I’d really love to get, I’ve found that being in this limbo has really drained me of my ability to wholeheartedly apply for other things. I’ve been using the time for other things, like front-loading the deep dive into learning AI safety, improving my systems (Vim, Obsidian plugins, Aerospace window manger), setting up this website, setting up this Arch Linux ThinkPad. I know that I should really start applying for other things, but ahhhh, it feels aversive.

I wish I could just be told that I didn’t get the job, so that I can have that closure, and get my energy back. I’ve been trying to do the Stoic thing of assuming the worse, making peace with the fact that I didn’t get the job – I’ve even drafted my “ah, that’s a shame, but no worries, could we have a call so I can get feedback and any recommendations for other places to apply to” email). But still, having this big open loop, this big pivotal life thing which could go either way (although my current prediction is that I have a 30% chance of getting the role)… it makes it so hard to fully move on and apply for other stuff.

A few failure modes I’ve arguably fallen into here:

Getting my heart too set on one job.

Yes, it does seem essentially perfect, and I really liked going into the office and meeting everyone, and it would be ideal, etc, but I think there’s definitely a more skillful non-attached “as soon as the work trial is finished, I forget all about it and move on with my life” thing. If I don’t get this job, I’m definitely going to try and do this going forwards. Apply myself well, then as soon as there’s nothing more I can do, fully wash it from my system (the problem is that I’m not sure how feasible this is, but anyway, worth a shot).

Letting myself lose momentum

It’s been so long since I applied for something that it now feels super aversive to do it again. I have a sense of “I put a lot of effort into my first n applications, and the idea of doing that all over again is very draining”. I think there’s a more skillful approach here. E.g., yes, the idea of repeating the applications I’ve already done does feel very draining and kind of depressing. But, what if I fold in the new stuff I’ve been up to? E.g., my CV is now ~2 months old. It doesn’t link to this website. It doesn’t talk about my AI learnings. I haven’t made anything from my ~50 hours of Boyd study - I should make something from that. Also, I was surprised to learn, when reading about how AI works in the ASES textbook, that I already know most of the stuff, from my time as a data analyst. I should update my CV to talk more about how I actually have worked with machine learning models before.

Being lost in the story of “I can’t believe they keep delaying”

This particular job application has been full of delays on their side, and its been fairly frustrating. A deadline for when I was meant to hear from them was missed, then I emailed them the following week and apologised and said that the needed another week, then they said actually they needed even longer, then when the day they said I’d hear from them came (Wednesday, 2 days ago), I didn’t hear from them, so I emailed them yesterday and still haven’t heard back.

This feels pretty bad. I think it’s true that they should at the very least have emailed on Wed saying “sorry, another delay, now it’ll be x day”, or “hey, sorry we’re really swamped, you didn’t get the role, more substantive email with feedback to come”. It does feel like they could have sent an email in <5 mins and ended my limbo period. They have kindness as a core value, and it doesn’t feel kind to give applicants radio-silence days after a twice-delayed deadline.

On the other hand, another value of theirs is radical prioritisation. I can imagine a world where some key thing is happening, and they’re all hands on deck, and whilst yes sending an email to me would take 5 minutes, it’s one more aversive task and one more context switch in a very busy week, and it’s better for their mental health to wholeheartedly delay it to the following week, knowing I’ll be somewhat hurt but still around.

That feels almost certainly what is happening here. It’s easy to fall into a story (reinforced by family and friends, who are offended on my behalf) that this is poor behaviour and they’re not being kind. But yeah overall I think it’s true that they know I can wait a bit longer, and ultimately it’s me being kind of unskillful by having this feeling that “well, whilst I wait for this decision, I kind of can’t apply for other jobs, at least not wholeheartedly”. I think it’s time to do it, it’s time to really move on. What will be will be. Flow like water, etc.

I’ve been having a great time

Also, yeah, this has kind of been great. I was in this intense period of sprinting at job applications, spending 20+ hours per application, crafting my CV, application questions, researching each company, preparing for interviews, etc.

And now, I’ve gotten to have a much-needed break from that. I’ve gotten to leave my CV alone, make a bunch of flashcards, improve my systems, improve my legibility, etc etc. It’s been super super enjoyable. I also did the Bluedot “AI Safety Operations” 2-day accelerator this week and they gave us a list of jobs to apply for, so really, I’m very close to getting the ball rolling again, this time with more wisdom, less attachment, more legibility, etc.

I have a bit of worry that a future potential hirer might read this and be like “what the hell, he’s bad-mouthing an org that he applied for??”. But I don’t know… I’ve kept them anonymous, and I think I’ve written with nuance. I understand the delay, I’m allowed to have a part that feels frustrated by it, and I also feel happy to have the wisdom to spot where I have personally acted unskillfully, as written above.

Oh by the way, did I mention that I’m writing this on my beautiful shitty Arch Linux ThinkPad? It feels so good. I’m gonna save the file, type in my git commands and it’ll publish to my Jekyll-based website. I’m so so pleased with this setup, it’s so great (Crying eyes emoji) (I don’t have emojis on this bad boy)